Finding Freedom through Boundaries
For most of my life, I thought boundaries were about teaching people how to treat me. I thought it was some version of “I’ll show you where my line is, and you’d better not cross it.” Although as a lifelong people-pleaser I rarely thought about boundaries and had few of them. By not setting any boundaries, I ended up exhausted and holding on to resentment and frustration. The resentment would seep out through my body language and silence which wasn’t fair to me or others. Because what I was really doing was trying to control other people’s behaviour. And if you’ve ever tried to control someone else, you know how well that works out. Spoiler: not well. For anyone involved.
Here’s the thing that flipped everything for me: boundaries are about ME. Only me. Period.
They’re not about needing my partner, my boss, or my neighbour to change their behaviour. Of course, if someone does something that bothers me, I’ll communicate that. But whether or not others change their behaviour isn’t in my domain, it’s not my lane, it’s theirs. What is “in my lane” is my response, my behaviour and actions. When I finally got that boundaries are about me, it was like someone handed me back the keys to my own life.
Boundaries in Real Life (a.k.a. Dryer lint and Coffee)
One of my internal boundaries is shopping at local retailers whenever possible. Not because I’m morally superior (trust me, I’ve ordered the odd emergency item from Amazon at 11 p.m.), but because my values are about community, fair treatment, and supporting living wages. Shopping local feels like a better match with those values. That’s a boundary.
It’s not a boundary if I tell someone (or a retailer, in this case) what they need to or should do. That’s an expectation or value and it’s mine. If I tell others to do something, that’s a demand, not a boundary. I’m making plea to rearrange things to align with what’s important to me or match my comfort level. Spoiler: still doesn’t work.
Another example? My friend “Jane” set a boundary around her mornings. She realized she was starting every day in chaos because she answered multiple overnight texts from her mom when she woke up at 6:30. Jane has a high-pressure job and finds that having a calm start supports her ability to function at work and as a mom. Jane decided her boundary is: no phone before 8:00 a.m. Period. Her mom can text all she wants, but Jane doesn’t engage until she’s ready. That’s a boundary rooted in her values, not a rule for her mom.
Boundaries are about deciding what we value and then choosing actions that support those values.
The Shift
When I understood the difference between a boundary and an expectation, it was both humbling and liberating. Humbling because—wow—I realized how many of my “boundaries” were actually veiled attempts at control. (Sorry to everyone who bore the brunt of my “you need to…” speeches, whether I said them out loud or kept them in my head.) But liberating because suddenly the power came back to me.
If I want to live according to my values, I get to decide the actions that support that. It’s not dependent on anyone else changing. That shift turned boundaries from something that used to feel like a battle into something that now feels like freedom.
Final Thought
So here’s the takeaway: boundaries aren’t about teaching others how to behave. They’re about guiding how I live. Knowing the difference between boundaries, expectations/hopes and control has freed up so much energy and empowered me to use my voice and energy effectively and in ways that make me feel good instead of disappointed or frustrated.
I can’t make people treat me a certain way. But once I align with my values, I can choose how to respond. And every time I do, I’m saying “yes” to what matters most.