Liberation through Boundaries
For most of my life, I thought boundaries were about teaching people how to treat me. I thought it was the whole “I’ll show you where my line is, and you’d better not cross it” kind of thing. As a lifelong people-pleaser I rarely set them at all anyway. I thought “boundaries” were for “bitches” and didn’t want to be one of those. By not setting any boundaries, I ended up holding on to resentment and frustration (ironically, feeling pretty “bitchy” towards people) which wasn’t fair to me or others. Because what I was really doing was trying to control other people (again - pretty bitchy). And if you’ve ever tried to control other people either by speaking up or getting bitchy on the inside and seething, you know how well that works out. Spoiler: not well. For anyone involved.
Here’s the thing that flipped everything for me: boundaries are about ME. Only me. Period.
They’re not about asking or forcing my partner, my boss, or my neighbour to change their behaviour. They’re about me deciding what I value and then choosing actions that support those values. When I finally got that, it was like someone handed me back the keys to my own life.
Boundaries in Real Life (a.k.a. Shopping and Coffee)
An example of one of my boundaries is shopping at local retailers whenever possible. Not because I’m morally superior (trust me, I’ve ordered emergency items off Amazon at 11 p.m.), but because my values are about community, fair treatment, and supporting living wages. Shopping local aligns me more closely with those values. That’s a boundary.
A boundary isn’t: saying, “That big box store needs to pay their staff better, so I’m not shopping there until they change.” That’s an expectation. A demand. A plea to the universe to rearrange itself to match my comfort level. Spoiler: still doesn’t work.
Another example? My friend “Jane” set a boundary around her mornings. She realized she was starting every day in chaos because she answered multiple overnight texts from her mom when she woke up at 6:30 a.m. Jane finds values calm, and having a calm morning supports her ability to function at work and as a mom. Jane decided her boundary is: no phone before 8:00 a.m. Period. Her mom can text all she wants, but Jane doesn’t engage until she’s ready. That’s a boundary rooted in her values, not a rule for her mom.
The Shift
When I understood the difference between a boundary and an expectation, it was both humbling and liberating. Humbling because—wow—I realized how many of my “boundaries” were actually veiled attempts at control. (Sorry to everyone who bore the brunt of my “you need to…” speeches, whether I said them out loud or kept them in my head.) But liberating because suddenly the power came back to me.
If I want to live according to my values, I get to decide the actions that support that. It’s not dependent on anyone else changing. That shift turned boundaries from something that used to feel like a battle into something that now feels like freedom.
Final Thought
So here’s the takeaway: boundaries aren’t about teaching others how to behave. They’re about teaching myself how to live.
I can’t make people treat me a certain way. I can, however, choose where I spend my money, how I spend my mornings, and what I give my energy to. And every time I do, I’m saying “yes” to what matters mostl